COMMENTS

19 responses to “Ask Joan: Husband’s Porn Replaced Me”

1. She has not experienced any sort of intimacy for some time. Her husband, on the other hand, has reasons why he shut the door on intimacy. An addiction to porn is one possible reason. ED is another. Her illness a third. She seeks Joan’s capable help sorting this out. Finding that your mate is turning to porn when you leave the house, despite your requests for intimacy, must hurt a lot. She’s still trying to work it out with him. They’ve had years of good sex and, now, so much to lose. Very sad.

   Reply to Rae Padilla Francoeur

2. Polarizing topic. Bias from the hardlne sides leads opinions.
   Erotic stimulus is necessary for most sexual satisfaction. It happens in brains not marriage licenses.
   Trust and fidelity is about openness and mutual sharing and intimacy. That may vary in couples so compatibility needs to be worked out.
   Porn (anything) is addiction only if it interferes with self discipline to living fully ..if it gets in the way.
   Lots of condeming judgement revealed in comments. That impedes a growing relations

   Reply to JPB

   1. I agree that many of the opinions are polarizing and some of them from personal bias and beliefs about porn. However, while you’re correct in saying that erotic stimulus and sexual pleasure occur in the brain, that can be the problem for those using online porn. It is easily accessible and over time can create such a strong connection to the feelings of sexual arousal and pleasure that real life situations can’t compete. This is a VERY complex situation – hopefully they will seek counselling.

      Reply to Linda Plenert

3. OH JOAN….what a minefield. One word jumped out at me. Why ‘confronted’ instead of ‘when we discussed ‘ his use of porn? He is now addicted and if only they could calmly and openly talk to each other about the reasons this happened, they just might regain that ”Our sex life used to be incredible”. Could it be possible that he avoids intimacy now because he doesn’t want to disappoint her? ED is a terribly humbling thing for a man. Surly, with counselling, they can regain the pleasure and fun.

   Reply to Dave85

4. Have you addressed medical issues, among them stress incontinence? Medical issues, and associated emotional factors, are no doubt significant factors. I respectfully suggest that you consult a urologist and gynecologist for specific medical management, as well as techniques to reignite and enliven your relationship. Sent with best wishes.

   Reply to Becky

5. Here’s a man’s point of view (and I’d love to know Frustrated Now’s husband’s): I took care of my wife for 3 years before she died. Her illness issues and my caretaking made that a decidedly non-sexy time. Like Frustrated’s caretaking spouse I used porn to assuage my sadness and maintain my sexuality. Thankfully, my sex positive wife didn’t shame me for this. Joan Price’s answer strikes me as caring and reasonable given the situation described. Sometimes the truth hurts.

   Reply to Caretaker husband

6. Communication and Education really helps. Therapy with a sex counselor works. Being vulnerable in our intimate concerns and discussing with our partner is a start, but it still can hurt. Couples should accept this fact and try to move ahead, but it’s not easy and takes time. It is worth it.

   Reply to Jeffrey J Schaefer

7. I thought your response was insightful and compassionate. I also understand the hurt that comes with complications of medical issues and sexuality. There is so much you don’t know about what’s going on in any relationship issues. Education about sexual intimacy helps. I, 72 yr old married 24+ years, had issues with prostate procedures and wore a catheter for some time. I found out that a man can have erections, ejaculations, and PIV sex even with a catheter. Talking and education is helpful.

   Reply to Jeffrey J Schaefer

8. Porn and my place, your answer unbelievable. I found out 2 1/2 years LATER of his porn use all the while absolutely no intimacy between us not just when I found out this May, but for 3 years straight, nothing. You make it sound like I shamed him, nope, you’re wrong again. I was angry because I found out porn(3 years after and during all my medical problems) was his sexual release while he completely left me out of his sexual needs. Thanks for making feel it’s my fault when I knew nothing of it

   Reply to Frustrated now

   1. I understand and sympathize with you . . . the range of Porn available to men and the deeper and darker side of Porn was not issued by Joan ! ! ! And like any addiction . . . . it needs to be fed more and more. My husband started easy going, and I accepted and was a compliant partner . . but a year later my husbands fantasies moved to more challenging and darker websites . . . my Therapist gave me the support to see that I was becoming an abused woman . . . dark side of addiction ! ! !

      Reply to Jennifer H Gould

      1. Thank you Jennifer, for being real.
         The truth is, it is an addiction and the porn user will always find a way to justify it. The selfishness of the addicted brain knows no bounds. It is hard for me to understand their denial. I’m told they feel shame and know the extent of the pain it causes but continue to downplay the “events”. There can be no compromising when it comes to the use of porn. Moderation is not realistic. It’s use is a deal breaker, no different than infidelity.

      2. Please reconsider the response. Use of porn may be common in our society, but it is not a normal or beneficial pasttime. Porn degrades and exploits the women, men, and children used in the making of the porn. It desensitizes users, often leading to increased usage, infidelities, and crime. Perhaps it would be helpful for the couple impacted by porn use to attend SAA and/or SANON meetings.

   2. Frustrated, you’re right about the timeline, and I apologize for not separating the first 2-1/2 yrs from current time. When a spouse becomes caregiver, it’s usually hard to see the loved one as a sexual partner. I suspect this was the reason that he wasn’t sexual with you those first years. I didn’t put enough emphasis on this, and I’m sorry. I can’t know what was in his mind, but if you can ask him about that time without accusations, I hope he’ll open up to you. I truly regret upsetting you.

      Reply to Joan Price

      1. Joan,
         Porn replaced me. His, not her behavior needs addressing. Sexual intimacy was monogamous. If you would educate yourself about porn use and the actual changes it creates in the brain you may think twice about defending it’s use. The damage to the prefrontal cortex enables a self perpetuating demand. Reality distortion guaranteed. Just a Google? JAMA Psychiatry 2014 Simone Kuhn PhD,, Porn use creates a secret relationship with it’s user. It hooks by changing, rewarding their fantasy.

   3. Dear Frustrated,
      You are not alone. You are also absolutely justified in being angry about the deceit. I agree with you they hide it because they know it is WRONG. It is infidelity. Porn creates a relationship. The brain damage it causes hooks them like a drug. I’ve done so much research to try and understand and forgive. The trust may be gone forever, but for ourselves, we stand our ground. I agree that in our monogamous marriage no 3rd party relationships are allowed. Real or Fantasy.

      Reply to Donna Jo George

      1. Thank you. The loneliness and failure of thinking I was the one causing him to use porn for his sexual pleasure while totally leaving my needs by the side. I was not unable to enjoy his attention, intimacy, love and closeness during my illnesses, he’s my husband, suppose to be there for me! during his illnesses I was there for him, NEVER turned to porn or self pleasure! Pneumonia, covid and a 4 month recovery of broken leg and ankle. Wife, was there. Thanks for your words, they helped.

   4. I don’t blame the wife for being angry! As for Joan, your advice is ridiculous, placing the fault of this issue on the wife! Are you a Psychologist, Counselor, … Do you even hold a degree in this area? This is just wrong, on so many levels.

      Reply to Rebecca Street, B.S., M.S.

   5. In my mid 40s my wife said that I had a unless Gentle (thats what she called my penis) … I could not take the embarrassing put down and moved to the spare room and divorced. ED happens to many men as they age … women do not have those issues so have no problems with being cruel. You want him to help you with your medical issues but you have no sympathy for hi ED issues. Sad but unfort not surprised.

      Reply to David Dods

      1. That’s a two way street sir. We experience many painful things menstrual debilitating menstrual cramps, endometriosis,! Labor pains , that men couldn’t possibly handle! Men deal with none of this! Then we age, become dry , having sex feels like we’re being ripped apart! We use resort to lubricants which helps a little but not enough. . Men have that little magic blue pill, women don’t. Men quit whining! There’s absolutely no comparison to what we go through!