How can a recently bereaved widower navigate looking for connection and intimacy…and is it too soon?
I am a 73-year-old widower at a life crossroads. My wonderful wife died two months ago, and I miss her deeply. We were married for 31 years. She had several maladies during her last three years, and I cared for her in our home. As her health worsened, our once exciting sexual connection disappeared. I cuddled with her when she could endure touching, and I self-pleasured privately. I missed our sex life terribly. With her gone, I miss it even more. It feels like forever since I’ve had sex with a woman.
Some friends are guilt-tripping me, saying it’s too soon to date while I’m grieving my wife.
More than Just Sex
It isn’t just sex that I want. My wife was scholarly and smart, and I loved our intellectual conversations. I hope to meet age-appropriate, intellectual women living close enough to date. Some friends are guilt-tripping me, saying it’s too soon to date while I’m grieving my wife. I don’t feel guilty. Should I?
Younger family members showed me how to use online dating, and I’ve joined two dating sites. When I read people’s profiles, I worry how to write my own that will be honest and not off-putting. While I don’t want to come across as a needy old man hungering for sex, I am a needy old man hungering for sex! I’m “needy” in wanting to share affection and social fun within a happy sexual relationship.
I’m not interested in a new spouse. I hope to find compatible women around my own age who are not looking for a husband. I want connections to smart women who are willing to share closeness, touch, laughter, and non-committed companionship.
I know it’s important to be honest about who I am and what I seek, but how do I present myself in a profile? If I say that I’m looking for a relationship that includes sex, will that scare away the kind of women I seek? I’m lonely and don’t know if I should feel guilty for doing this so soon, but I very much want to move forward and begin to live again.
– Lonely Widower
Joan responds:
I am sorry for your great loss. I understand your conflict — you want a sexual and intellectually fulfilling relationship, but how do you present this in an online dating profile without alienating the kind of person you want to attract?
I bet you’d get many appropriate responses if you started your profile by slightly reframing what you said above: “Lonely widower, 73, seeks intellectual woman, 65-75, to share closeness, touch, laughter, and non-committed companionship.” When I was a lonely widow poring over online dating profiles, I would have jumped at yours!
You remind me of myself, in fact, when I was grieving my deceased husband mightily, but hungry for connection and touch. Like you, I didn’t want a new committed relationship, but I also wanted to meet only men whom I could enjoy intellectually and conversationally as well as sexually.
Conveying all your needs
How do you convey your desire for sex in a way that won’t scare away the kind of women you want? You’re right that this is a big issue. If you’re direct about wanting sex, you risk sounding predatory and creepy. But if you don’t mention it, you risk wasting time and emotional energy getting to know women who want companionship without sex. (It’s legitimate to want that, but that’s not what you’re looking for.)
It’s all in the language: instead of stating “sex” directly, use words like “intimacy,” “sensual,” “touch.” And here’s the most important part: instead of focusing solely on what you want, convey what you want to give this new person. What’s in it for her if she dates you? Stimulating intellectual conversation? Sensual, consensual pleasure? Maybe you’ll cook for her, or you don’t mind driving after dark? In other words, let her get a sense of what it would be like to date you — and let your personality shine through.
Include that you’re a new widower who cared for your beloved wife through her long illness. Let your love and vulnerability show, as well as your readiness to bring joy back into your life. You’ll attract women who have lost their own partners and are on the same journey. Having this in common will be bonding and a source of deep, intimate conversation.
About the Guilt
Should you feel guilty? No. As I wrote in Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved:
Mourning can start long before death when a partner has an incurable illness. When sex ends long before death, this loss, added to the physical and emotional toll that caregiving takes, can be excruciating. After death—or sometimes before death—sex may happen quickly for the surviving partner.
The caregiver may seem to others to be moving on too quickly, not grieving long enough or correctly. Please know that you’re not grieving wrong if you’re ready to reach out for the comfort of sex and the uplift of a new relationship. You’ve been grieving for a long time already.
I hope you’ll read Sex After Grief, because it will answer many of your questions. May you find the comfort and companionship you seek.
Have a Question for Joan?
Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!
- You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
- No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
- Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
- This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
- If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
COMMENTS
6 responses to “Ask Joan: Lonely Widower Seeks Intimacy”
There were a couple of issues in his response. First it was his age restrictions. I am 78 but would be excluded. His loss, lol. Secondly, no commitments. Why bother to add this . It detracts from his appeal.
For myself, I am looking for a fun comfortable relationship. That says it nicely.
My advice use AI to write it. Hold back on some details. We all love a good mystery.
Respectfully, if I were a woman looking for a committed relationship, I’d want to know right away that someone doesn’t want that, so I don’t waste my time. If I was looking for the same thing, however, I’d find his honesty very appealing.
He comes across as an intelligent man looking for the same (not just wanting sex) — he definitely doesn’t need AI to write his profile.
If Lonely Widower only wanted sex, I would agree with you. But he also misses conversation, and perhaps other aspects of companionship, which he needs to articulate. After years of caregiving, I love living alone, without the intrusion of aides, therapists or anyone. But I’d like the companionship of a man at museums, theater, movies, dinners without “commitment.”
Definitely, mourning your loss begins during intense caregiving.
WOW ! What a great, all encompassing reply Joan. Lonely widower typifies the feelings of so many of us older folks who loose their long term partners. Your common sense response pretty well says it all. Thank You !
Joan is right on target! Mourning does not begin when a person dies, it is part of the “caregiving” you give to your terminally ill spouse. Your need is real and it does not take away from what you had with her. Actually, it is a reflection of that relationship. Do not let anyone tell you how you “ought” to feel or how long is long enough before you enter a new relationship. Your friends cannot take care of your need, only you can.
There is no way he is going to tap dance around what he really misses and that’s sex. It’s not fair to a person to say you want intimacy but no commitment. It’s almost ridiculous. Good sex comes with trust and trust takes time. It seems like this man has gone a long time without sex while his wife was ill.
Women don’t want to feel used , most women bond with sex and know what is their place in the persons life ? Interesting conversation does t work for long.
Sign Up for Newsletters
There’s always a lot going on in the Senior Planet universe. Get our newsletters to make sure you never miss a thing!
Sign Up Now
Join Senior Planet Community
Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform.
Join the Conversation Today
Upcoming Online Classes
Calendar of Events
S Sun
M Mon
T Tue
W Wed
T Thu
F Fri
S Sat
0 events,
0 events,
15 events,
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Registration required.
Learn how to stay safe while you surf the web!
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
In this introductory lecture, we'll go over what you need to start your first meeting, as well as some hosting tips to make it a success.
Chair Yoga
Chair Yoga
Follow various cues to develop body alignment and breath awareness.
14 events,
4
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Virtual Tour: Palma de Mallorca, Spain
Virtual Tour: Palma de Mallorca, Spain
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Spain!
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
Google 地圖
Google 地圖
來學習 Google 地圖如何融入您的日常生活。
Cloud Storage
Cloud Storage
Registration required.
Learn the basics of cloud storage — a technology that lets you store documents, images, and other media files remotely.
14 events,
5
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Social Media
Introduction to Social Media
Learn about some of the more popular social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn.
Introduction to Estate Planning Resources & Tools
Introduction to Estate Planning Resources & Tools
Registration required.
A simple plan is better than no plan! Get to know a few free and low-cost resources that make it simple to plan your estate.
Tips for Being News Savvy Online
Tips for Being News Savvy Online
Registration required.
Sharing the news? Learn to read and check sources before sharing!
10 events,
6
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introducción a X, (anteriormente Twitter)
Introducción a X, (anteriormente Twitter)
¿Ha escuchado de X? Le damos la bienvenida a esta sesión de resumen sobre la plataforma X.
Understanding Internet Plans
Understanding Internet Plans
Faster is not always better! Come learn about home internet options so you only pay for what you need.
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class.
Internet of Things: Healthcare
Internet of Things: Healthcare
Registration required.
Come learn how the medical industry is embracing the Internet of Things (IoT) technology to treat patients remotely.
3 events,
7
Job Searching in the Digital Age
Job Searching in the Digital Age
This lecture will provide an overview of how to use social media in your job search, demonstrate digital job searching tools like LinkedIn, and offer tips and advice to job seekers.
Using Google Docs Templates for Resumes
Using Google Docs Templates for Resumes
Don't worry about formatting your resume. Let the templates do the work for you!
Social Media for Job Searches
Social Media for Job Searches
In this lecture, we’ll discuss ways to make sure social media helps you when you’re looking for work!
0 events,
8
15 events,
9
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Start your week off right with a preview of the week's upcoming programs and a guided meditation session!
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Heart Rate Monitor Apps
Introduction to Heart Rate Monitor Apps
Registration required.
Did you know your phone can measure your heart rate? Learn about free heart rate monitor apps and why they can be useful.
Functional Strength Training
Functional Strength Training
Use bodyweight, bands, and dumbbells to build your strength.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
10
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Digital Coupon Tools
Digital Coupon Tools
Learn how digital coupon tools can help you save money!
Meal Kit Services
Meal Kit Services
Don't want to cook? Learn about meal kit services that take the stress out of meal time!
AI & Disinformation
AI & Disinformation
Seeing might not mean believing anymore. Come learn how to identify deepfakes and cloned voices so you don't fall for digital deception.
13 events,
11
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Translation Tools
Intro to Translation Tools
This lecture will introduce digital translation tools and apps, such as Google Translate.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
雲端儲存空間
雲端儲存空間
來聆聽為什麼您會想要開始使用雲端儲存空間。
Telemedicine
Telemedicine
Registration required.
This lecture provides an overview of telemedicine options and focuses on exploring virtual medical appointments with your doctor in real-time.
13 events,
12
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
iPhones
iPhones
Curious about iPhones? Come to this lecture for an overview of their features.
Graphic Design Tools
Graphic Design Tools
In this presentation, we'll explore the popular design platform, Canva, and demonstrate how you can get very creative with basic tools like Google Slides.
Chair Yoga
Chair Yoga
Follow various cues to develop body alignment and breath awareness.
10 events,
13
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Internet de las cosas: estilo de vida y entretenimiento
Internet de las cosas: estilo de vida y entretenimiento
¡Descubra cómo el Internet de las cosas está cambiando la industria del entretenimiento!
Virtual Museum Tours
Virtual Museum Tours
In this lecture we'll explore some of these virtual galleries, as well as digital tools that help bring art, architecture, and history to life!
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class.
Smartphone Camera Uses Beyond Photography
Smartphone Camera Uses Beyond Photography
Come learn about QR codes, augmented reality apps, and more!
3 events,
14
Cloud Storage
Cloud Storage
Learn the basics of cloud storage — a technology that lets you store documents, images, and other media files remotely.
Google Workspace
Google Workspace
Learn about some of Google's most popular productivity tools that are for personal use, as well as work-related ones.
Internet of Things at a Glance
Internet of Things at a Glance
This lecture provides an overview of the vast world of the Internet of Things and discusses best practices for keeping your devices secure.
0 events,
15
15 events,
16
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Start your week off right with a preview of the week's upcoming programs and a guided meditation session!
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Mobile Health Apps
Mobile Health Apps
Registration required.
This lecture introduces common health apps, like the iPhone's built-in app and the Google Fit app.
Functional Strength Training
Functional Strength Training
Use bodyweight, bands, and dumbbells to build your strength.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
15 events,
17
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Shopping
Online Shopping
This lecture will provide a general introduction to shopping online using the popular website Amazon.com.
Anti-Virus & Malware Removal Programs At a Glance
Anti-Virus & Malware Removal Programs At a Glance
Registration required.
Concerned about viruses and malware? Attend this lecture to learn how to keep your device safe!
AI Image Generators
AI Image Generators
Go beyond stick figures and bring your imagination to life with AI image generators!
13 events,
18
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Spotify
Spotify
In this lecture, you'll learn about Spotify’s important features, including how to search for songs and create your own playlists.
物聯網:智慧城市
物聯網:智慧城市
快來了解物聯網 (IoT) 技術如何被整合到全球城市的最基本功能中。
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
Internet of Things: Wearables
Internet of Things: Wearables
Registration required.
Learn about the health, wellness, and personal safety benefits of wearable technology.
13 events,
19
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Facebook
Facebook
Facebook can be a great way to connect with old friends, share life updates, and join social groups. Learn more about the popular platform.
Affordable Home Internet
Affordable Home Internet
Don't overpay for internet. Learn about programs offering low-cost home internet that can help save you money.
Chair Yoga
Chair Yoga
Follow various cues to develop body alignment and breath awareness.
9 events,
20
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
YouTube
YouTube
This presentation will give an overview of the free content available on YouTube and show you how to navigate the site with ease.
Compras en línea
Compras en línea
¿Ha comprado algo en Amazon? ¿Quiere saber si el producto que ve en la tienda es más barato en línea? ¡Venga a aprender más sobre compras en línea!
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class.
Reddit at a Glance
Reddit at a Glance
Stumped? Find what you're looking for on Reddit!
3 events,
21
Digital Legacy at a Glance
Digital Legacy at a Glance
Will your digital content and social media pages live on forever? Come learn about your digital legacy options!
Introduction to Estate Planning Resources & Tools
Introduction to Estate Planning Resources & Tools
A simple plan is better than no plan! Get to know a few free and low-cost resources that make it simple to plan your estate.
Digital Scrapbooking Tools
Digital Scrapbooking Tools
Say goodbye to paper cuts! Come learn about digital scrapbooking tools.
0 events,
22
15 events,
23
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Start your week off right with a preview of the week's upcoming programs and a guided meditation session!
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Functional Strength Training
Functional Strength Training
Use bodyweight, bands, and dumbbells to build your strength.
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Registration required.
Concerned about privacy? Unsure about accepting cookies? Come learn about some essential privacy tips!
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
15 events,
24
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Booking Vacation Stays Online
Introduction to Booking Vacation Stays Online
Need a vacation? Learn about popular websites and apps for booking vacation rentals.
Gardening Tech At a Glance
Gardening Tech At a Glance
Can tech give you a green thumb? Come to this lecture to find out!
Chair Yoga
Chair Yoga
Follow various cues to develop body alignment and breath awareness.
11 events,
25
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
物聯網 : 生活方式和娛樂
物聯網 : 生活方式和娛樂
本講座將探討我們日常與物聯網交互的多種方式,並了解它如何徹底改變整個行業。
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
Smartphones at a Glance
Smartphones at a Glance
Registration required.
How smart are they? We'll tell you all about smartphones.
Functional Strength Training
Functional Strength Training
Use bodyweight, bands, and dumbbells to build your strength.
14 events,
26
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Gaming
Intro to Gaming
Game on! Come discover the world of gaming and start playing!
Google Maps
Google Maps
Registration required.
During this lecture, you’ll get an introduction to Google Maps and a demonstration of how to use it.
Introduction to Nextdoor
Introduction to Nextdoor
This presentation will introduce you to the most common uses for the Nextdoor app and its main features, along with some best practices for using it safely.
11 events,
27
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to X (formerly Twitter)
Intro to X (formerly Twitter)
Like to know what's happening? Come learn about X (formerly Twitter)!
Sitios de viajes en línea
Sitios de viajes en línea
¿A dónde quiere viajar? El internet le puede ayudar a planear su próximo viaje! ¡Aprenda con nosotros!
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class.
Meetup
Meetup
This lecture introduces Meetup, a popular online platform for finding social groups and events all over the world.
3 events,
28
iPhones
iPhones
Curious about iPhones? Come to this lecture for an overview of their features.
Messaging Apps
Messaging Apps
This lecture will go over the features of three widely-used apps: iMessages, Google Chats, and WhatsApp.
Emojis, GIFs, and more!
Emojis, GIFs, and more!
Learn how to use emojis, GIFs, and more to quickly say what you mean!
0 events,
29
2 events,
30
Virtual Orientation to Senior Planet
Virtual Orientation to Senior Planet
Come learn about all that Senior Planet has to offer!
Better Balance Boot Camp: Week 4
Better Balance Boot Camp: Week 4
Registration required.
Learn how to lower your risk of falling and improve your balance skills!
0 events,
1
0 events,
2
1 event,
3
Death Cafe
Death Cafe
Join this session to engage in meaningful conversation about death in a safe and open environment.
0 events,
4
0 events,
5
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
Chair Yoga
Morning Stretch
Virtual Tour: Palma de Mallorca, Spain
Fit Fusion Workout
Google 地圖
Cloud Storage
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Social Media
Introduction to Estate Planning Resources & Tools
Tips for Being News Savvy Online
Morning Stretch
Introducción a X, (anteriormente Twitter)
Understanding Internet Plans
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Internet of Things: Healthcare
Job Searching in the Digital Age
Using Google Docs Templates for Resumes
Social Media for Job Searches
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Heart Rate Monitor Apps
Functional Strength Training
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Digital Coupon Tools
Meal Kit Services
AI & Disinformation
Morning Stretch
Intro to Translation Tools
Fit Fusion Workout
雲端儲存空間
Telemedicine
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
iPhones
Graphic Design Tools
Chair Yoga
Morning Stretch
Internet de las cosas: estilo de vida y entretenimiento
Virtual Museum Tours
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Smartphone Camera Uses Beyond Photography
Cloud Storage
Google Workspace
Internet of Things at a Glance
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Morning Stretch
Mobile Health Apps
Functional Strength Training
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Online Shopping
Anti-Virus & Malware Removal Programs At a Glance
AI Image Generators
Morning Stretch
Spotify
物聯網:智慧城市
Fit Fusion Workout
Internet of Things: Wearables
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Facebook
Affordable Home Internet
Chair Yoga
Morning Stretch
YouTube
Compras en línea
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Reddit at a Glance
Digital Legacy at a Glance
Introduction to Estate Planning Resources & Tools
Digital Scrapbooking Tools
Good Morning, Senior Planet!
Morning Stretch
Functional Strength Training
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Booking Vacation Stays Online
Gardening Tech At a Glance
Chair Yoga
Morning Stretch
物聯網 : 生活方式和娛樂
Fit Fusion Workout
Smartphones at a Glance
Functional Strength Training
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Intro to Gaming
Google Maps
Introduction to Nextdoor
Morning Stretch
Intro to X (formerly Twitter)
Sitios de viajes en línea
Taijiquan (Tai Chi)
Meetup
iPhones
Messaging Apps
Emojis, GIFs, and more!
Virtual Orientation to Senior Planet
Better Balance Boot Camp: Week 4
Death Cafe
Recent Articles
Recent Comments